I'm sure I can say, "First Love" and everyone automatically remembers their first love. Hopefully everyone remembers their first love with a smile and a warm feeling in their heart. We all have our first loves and along with that a little piece of our heart belongs to that person, no matter how happy you are in life now or who you are spending the rest of your life with. Whenever I remembered my first love I too had a warm feeling in my heart, but I also had a bit of sadness as well. Mainly because Mike and I never really got to say goodbye, neither one of us ended our relationship, it was ended by my parents. So in the back of my mind and heart I always, always wondered "what if". I always felt that had one of us ended our relationship it would have made it possible to "get over" him and move on. Had he broken my heart it would have helped in the breaking up process! I struggled so much when our relationship ended, just as I'm sure every first love does. I happened to keep a journal of those emotions and when Mike and I first got back together I found it and we both read it together. Talk about a walk down memory lane! Granted I filled an entire journal up with my 15 year old broken heart emotions, but I won't torture you by sharing all of it! Going back and reading over it I can still feel all those emotions, they were so strong and intense. It's a little surreal sometimes to realize that this boy I loved/love so deeply is back in my life...15 years later.
August 9, 1995...just days after my parents found out.
"How am I going to make it? The pain of having to lose him is like nothing I've ever felt before. It hurts so incredibly bad. It's like my heart is shattered. I'm trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but I'm missing the center part. It's like someone stole the pieces and left a huge, empty hole in the middle. Then I remember who. How could I forget? He's so beautiful, so sweet, so incredible. So precious. so unforgettable. I'll never forget. As long as I live. I don't want anyone but Mike. HE stole my heart. I love him so, so, so much. I can never express how much. Love can be the absolute best thing in the entire universe. But it can also be the most painful. I just want to run to him. Let him hold me, wipe away my tears, comfort me and protect me."
Now keep in mind I was only 15, so you can't laugh too hard at me!
August 21, 1995
"It's hard to imagine that God has the perfect guy for you, especially when I'm trying to get over Mike. It's like you know you and your husband are going to be 'perfect'. You know it will be the absolute best for you, it will be true love. But to tell you the truth, I don't want anyone except Mike. I want to live the rest of my life with him. It's like there's no one better in all of the world. And if there possibly is, you don't want to have anything to do with him. I just want Mike, no one else. My heart feels like it's going to explode because I love him so, so much. Last night I woke up about every hour because I kept dreaming of him. I hardly slept. No matter where I go I can't escape thinking about him."
This entry I wrote when we took my older sister to Tabor College (keep in mind I met Mike Unrau at Tabor College).
August 26, 1995
"I'm really having a tough time missing Mike, especially since this trip. I was looking at all the guys at Tabor, especially football guys. I realized that I can never love anyone like I do Mike. I love him so much, I don't even want another guy, ever. I just keep thinking about Mike. I keep remembering his little jokes, his little playful glances or the way he would hold my hand or gently rub my leg while he was driving. I miss the way he would suddenly whisper in my ear, "You know what? You're so beautiful.""
August 28, 1995
"I know Mike is the only one for me. To tell you the truth, I feel that I will always, always belong to him. I truly believe that for Mike and I it was love at first sight. Before Mike I had never felt that strongly for someone. Being Mike's girlfriend was so great. It felt like the most natural, the most "right" thing in the whole world. Ever since the first day of school last year I knew in my heart that Mike was special. I just can't express how much I love him. It's impossible to even come close. To even think I'll never see him again breaks my heart. The pain is unlike anything I've ever felt before."
September 2, 1995
"Anytime I think of Mike I just feel like I can't go on without him. Like I don't even want to go on without him. I miss him so incredibly much. Every second I wonder what he's doing. I wonder if he's thinking about me, missing me. I just want to be with him, be close to him. Be wrapped in his arms forever. I want to wake up every morning in his arms, right beside him. I want to hear him breathing in my ear. Why does it have to be this way? Why do 2 people who belong together have to be seperated? And why does it have to hurt so badly? I feel so lonely, like half of me is missing. It is missing. Mike's not here."
September 27, 1995
"I'm pretty depressed tonight. I miss Mike so much. I love writing his name. Mike, Mike, Mike...Mike and Jennifer Roe. Doesn't that look absolutely beautiful?!!"
(Cracks me up...oh to be 15 again!!)
February 2, 1996
"It's been a long time since I've talked to Mike or anything. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I miss him so much, it's amazing. I don't doubt at all that Mike was/is my first love. I know in my heart that no matter how hard I try not to, I will always love him. I don't love him for the way he made me feel and because he was my first kiss or anything. I will always love him as the Mike I knew, the Mike I got to personally and deeply know. The one who opened his heart to me and let it all pour out. The one I became best friends with in the wee hours of the morning. The one I got to know like no one else, the Mike I discovered when no one else was around."
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