When I arrived at CSCS, I found out right away that myself and most of the football players I was around most of the time, were all outcasts in most cases. At Coronado, the “in” crowd was the football team and their friends most of the time. I wasn’t used to being looked at like an outsider, by most students, teachers and administration. I had my comfort zone however, those like the coaches, players and some of the other non-athletic outcasts, but it was very different from what I had become used to over the previous two years. Academically I was in a bad spot also, not being a very good student in public school, set me up for failure as a student in private school. Laziness and an entitled attitude made the academic challenge at CSCS very difficult for me to get used to as well, and as Mr. Boucher will tell you, I gave up on completely a lot of the time. A student who shared my history class with Mr. Boucher at one point came up with Indian names for everyone in that class, and I was, “chief sleeps a lot,” nice one, Trevor. I never really connected with any of my teachers, all except for three, that were not football coaches because I had a natural connection with Mr. Young and Mr. Poirier. I really liked three other teachers though, Mr. Boucher made a great effort to help me at least pass his class, Mr. Shubert was great, and also one of my coaches, and probably my favorite teacher…… Mr. DeKorn. I guess you could say that the teachers that had me in their class were ok, all except for Mr. McGinnis! He was the worst teacher, in my opinion, that I had ever come across to this day, and it was mostly the other teachers in the school, along with most administrators, other than Mr. Babbit, whom I really liked, that didn’t like me very much. But that is neither here nor there, I did ok, and nothing really mattered to me at that point outside of football.
On the first day of school, as I was going through my classes, meeting all the teachers and my new classmates, I was in an awkward mood, due to my academic history I was in classes at sophomore and freshman level. I was especially grumpy at having to be in freshman math, but that all changed when I saw Jennifer Fowler right across the room in Mr. DeKorn’s math class. I was awestruck! I had nothing to say, and it was harder to pay attention than it was in my other classes, and that is saying something because I was a wanderer. She was wearing a green shirt. Her hair was curly, long and flowing, falling over her shoulders. Beautiful.
She was a freshman, and I was a junior, which in some chapters of the, “High School Cool Book,” was a no-no, but I didn’t really act within the confines of the rules on almost anything, so why should this be any different? The one thing, in all my years of school, that was different in this situation was that I was actually scared to talk to her. I don’t know if it was her friends that she was always around, or everyone else watching, or the possibility of rejection which hadn’t been a worry of mine in years past, because I usually didn’t care that much, but for some reason this time was hard, and I never actually talked to her the entire year I was at CSCS. Every time I got the chance I watched her volleyball games, and countless times did I stare at her as she walked through the hallways, never being too conspicuous. I didn’t want anyone to know how badly I wanted to take out this “girl of my dreams”, which is what she was. Instead of asking her out, or to a banquet, or anything like that, I spent time on a couple of girls that I really wish I hadn’t, and I won’t mention any names, but they know who they are. Jennifer actually had to be the one to make contact the first time, because I left my phone number in her year book, and she called shortly after the school year was over. I had made it through the year, almost passing all my classes. I failed Mr. McGinnis’s Biology class, and that changed a great many things for me. I was stripped of my captain hood on the football team because I had failed a class, and going into my senior year, that was enough to make me leave the school. That and a couple of parents that would have taken their daughter out of CSCS if I returned for another year, but I’ll get to that. I got a phone call from Jennifer a few weeks later, and that is where the story really picks up, because it would be one of the greatest and most memorable times of my life.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Jenni's version...Part V.
I think you all get the general idea that I never stopped loving Mike. I chose to put my feelings for him on the back burner, to try and stuff them away because I was determined to give my heart and soul to my husband. For years I wondered why Mike and I didn't work out and what it would have been like if it did. Would he love me the way my heart was begging to be loved? Would our marriage have been happy and full of life and love? But like I said, I put it all away because I wanted to be emotionally faithful to my husband. At the time I felt that he deserved that from me. Of course now looking back I know he didn't, but that's a whole other topic! So back to the happy stuff for now!
All of you know that last summer I found out that my husband of 10 years had been cheating on me in some form or another for 10 years. I knew of one that happened the week before we got pregnant with Riley and I had made the decision to stay with him and try to make it work. Long, long story short and lots of blog posts later, our marriage did not survive and there were many more affairs than the one he told me about. It's amazing how God chooses to work in mysterious ways. Obviously I was devastated and sickened by the news of my ex-husband. Things had gone downhill a lot since the news of the first affair about 6 years ago. Those of you that know me can testify to the fact that I gave my marriage everything I had. To the point that there was nothing left of me when he moved out. I knew who I had been as a wife, I knew who I was as a mom, as a friend, as a preschool teacher...as everything but my true self. I had given so much of myself and my happiness and the things I loved to Mike to try to make him happy, to try to make our life better, etc., that I had nothing left. It was terrifying.
Then one day I decided to see if Mike Roe was on facebook. This is something entirely out of character for me! Lo and behold, he was! For weeks I debated about contacting him or not. I was terrified, I was confused, I was hurting, I was lonely, I was angry. I was a bunch of things. But I finally got enough courage and I emailed him. I waited a long time but finally got a response back and he gave me his phone number in case I wanted to text. Again, completely out of character for me, I did! So at first we began texting. One of his first questions was how my husband was. So I told him that he was no longer and I told him why. We began talking about that. He was in total shock that someone would cheat on me, I was in total shock that he thought I was worthy of not being cheated on. (See, your mind plays some pretty cruel jokes on you when you've gone through something like I have.) We went back and forth for a couple days just texting. He confessed that he still loved me, all these years later. I confessed that I still loved him too but I also wasn't in a very good place with men and what I was going through. But Mike was there to listen to all the things I needed to say as I sorted through my heart's mess. It's funny how we hadn't talked in person or even through email or a phone in so many years, yet I was immediately comfortable with him. It was like years hadn't passed and I was at ease around him. He understood what I was feeling and he asked me a lot of hard questions that I needed to sort through in order to figure out what my heart wanted and what direction I was going. He was there for me, and even though he loved me, he was there to be my friend, to help with the hurt, to listen to the pain and to make me laugh in the midst of it all. I had a lot of fears though..."what if we were in love with the memory of what we had but the reality is that we don't know each other at all?" I was so afraid that I had put him up on this pedastool and the real Mike was a completely different person. I was afraid that we had both blown up the memory of our relationship so badly that the reality wouldn't hold up. I was of course afraid of being hurt again. But there was just something about him, like my heart had finally found home after so many years. As terrified as I was, he was safe. He was comforting and familiar, even though I hadn't really known him since I was 15 and even then it was only for a few months! We exchanged texts for quite a while and I didn't get a chance to save mine before they were deleted, but of course I saved his. Here's some of them....
"Jen, you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I dearly wish I had you in my life."
"Jen, I would take you right now if I could. I have dreamed of that happening! Really. I loved you so much and I'm not sure I ever stopped."
"I hurt not being the one who got to be with you. I never would have cheated on you. I wish to God there was a chance."
(This is when I was still very cautious and very scared about even thinking about a new relationship!)
"Being with you was always just a dream. My heart is racing right now. I wonder if dreams come true?"
"I have loved you most of my life. That will never change. Whenever you are ready, I am here for you."
This next text is his response to me asking him if we were just in love with the memory of each other and what if there was nothing there at all.
"That's something that we would have to get together and figure out. But I know that the feelings I had for you never went away. I know my heart."
"Jen, it has been hard for me to talk to you over the past few days b/c I've thought you were gone from me forever."
"Do you think it's meant to be now?"
"I'm here for you, Jenni. I always will be. I really hope that if there's a chance and it is meant to be, we don't wait too long and then it doesn't work again."
"Jen, there's no need to cry. Everything will come out the way it's supposed to."
"Jen, in all reality, I never tried to find you again because it hurt. Your parents were the ones who split us up the first time. My life would be drastically different if they hadn't because I would have never left you! It is hard to talk to the person that I wanted to share my life with, and didn't get to. I would stop everything in my life for the chance to be with you! Only my kids do I hold in higher regard, and I know you are a good person, that's why I left you alone, but if ever I have the chance to be with you again I would and am taking it!"
"This is really hard but I might never get to say it again...I have always and still believe, that I would change any job or school, leave everything but my kids behind to be with you. You are my dream girl, high school sweetheart and everything else and I have loved you for as long as I can remember. All I would need is for you to ask. And that is all the truth of it."
(I was still unsure...)
"This hurts worse than I thought. I have needed you for so long. I pray it works the way I've dreamed."
"I hope you get it in your mind that I would do all I could to make you happy Jenni. Never forget it. I pray that you give me the chance to love you!"
There were a lot more text, but I think those sum it up pretty well. I was still terrified...terrified of opening my heart again, even more terrified of the judgment I would receive from a lot of people (which I did), terrified for my kids and the amount of change they were already going through...terrified. But he was a friend when I desperately needed one and I was the friend he desperately needed but didn't tell me until I discovered that for myself. So we decided to start slow, get to know each other first and take our friendship a baby step at a time. One of the best parts to me was to spend time with and talk to someone who knew me "pre-destruction" as I called my marriage to Mike Unrau at that time. Mike was safe...he loved me unconditionally and that was something very, very strange to me. I began to let myself out again, actually, I began to rediscover myself again. There's something that happens when you're a wife and mom and most of the time it's a good and natural thing...you lose yourself in your identity as wife and mom. But I let it get out of balance. I co-founded the CSPD Wives Association to try and support Mike, to try and understand why and how this job had led him to affairs. I was desperate to figure it out, to emerge myself in his world as much as I could to try and understand it better, but also to support him. I hated his job, hated what it had made him become, but knew that being a cop was his identity, so rather than fight it I decided to embrace it. I don't regret it by any means, I loved the CSPD wives with all my heart and made friendships there to last a lifetime, which was something I wasn't expecting. But I did the wives association for the wrong reasons...I so desperately wanted Mike to love me more than his job, so I figured if I embraced it maybe that would help. The reality, that I learned later, was that being a cop wasn't what caused Mike to become the person he became, it was his own doing and his own problems that started with the way he was raised, way before I came along. Obviously with Mike and I separating and him losing his job as a cop, I was no longer a CSPD Wife. Literally in one week I went from being a cop's wife and mom to losing everything in my world...my husband, the Wives Association, a lot of friends and basically my whole identity. I was still a mom of course, but I was a single mom. Oddly enough, it was actually a relief. Mike was so uninvolved with the kids anyway that I had felt like a single mom for years. Now I only had to take care of my kids and I and it was surprisingly refreshing. All of this left me stripped and feeling very naked, very alone...unsure of who I was and what this new future would be for the kids and I. I will briefly interrupt this story to say that I was also amazingly surrounded by people who showed me unbelievable love and support and for that I am forever grateful and incredibly blessed. But there was no one around me that had gone through what I was going through. No one who knew the pain of not only being cheated on their entire marriage, but had it publicized within the entire Police Department, desperately trying to protect my kids from the effect of it, fight off the media, go through the intense and long hours of interviews with CSPD about what I knew, and still try, somehow, to not completely crumble and fade away in the midst of the pain and the questions and the confusing turmoil.
But then there was Mike Roe. Both of our lives were amazingly complicated yet together was just pure and simple and wonderful. The truth is that I didn't know this man, I knew who he was 16 (almost 17 now) years ago, but neither one of us was even close to being the same person we were back then. It's incredibly hard to describe my love for him and our relationship. He was the immediate best friend that I had always longed for. I was blessed, I am blessed, to have many women in my life with whom I have fantastic friendship with. But this was different. Immediately I asked God if this is what it was supposed to be like?! Was this the kind of friendship and trust that He created for a husband and wife to have? We were friends first, which is something I will be forever grateful for. His life was pretty complicated as was mine...we both had two kids that were working their way through the loss of a parent in their home. Mine was a lot fresher, but Mike was going through a bad divorce as well, for reasons eerily similar to mine. And even though Mike was the husband and dad, he also knew what it was like to be cheated on and betrayed. He also knew what it was like to be treated the way I had been treated. He knew what it was like to be the one in the marriage that loved the other spouse more than they loved you. He knew the feeling of deep loss and he knew the feelings you get when your marriage fails, regardless of how or why. From the very beginning we both have said and have seen that this moment of us coming back together, 16 years later, was truly written and orchestrated by God. There's so many things that could have only happened at this time. Mike and I had run across each other so many times in the last 15 years but it wasn't the right time. We both believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that God had to mature us and prepare us for each other and even though we missed out on 15 years of each other's lives, we both had to walk our own roads to prepare us for when we could be together. I know that sounds disgustingly like a romantic notion, dreamed up in the head of a 15 year old in love...but it's the truth. I'm not saying that God's will was for us to marry the wrong people and His will was for our spouses to cheat on us, etc. But I do believe that we both chose our own road, made decisions based on what we wanted at the time, not necessarily what was God's perfect plan for us. But God took the broken pieces, He used what we had decided with our own free will, and brought them together and worked it out for His plan and purpose in our lives. It stinks that we both had to go through so much pain, but sometimes our own free will will lead us to that. God took the wreckage and used it to prepare us for what He had in store for our future. I believe this with my whole heart. And if I could do it all again, if we could do it all again, we would. For the incredible miracles that came from our choice to marry the wrong person were Michael, Riley, Daniel and Hayden. And those sweet, amazing little souls make all the pain and betrayal worth it. I would do it all again in a heartbeat if that meant they were created and I know Mike feels the same way.
Obviously, there is so much more. But for tonight I will leave it at that!
All of you know that last summer I found out that my husband of 10 years had been cheating on me in some form or another for 10 years. I knew of one that happened the week before we got pregnant with Riley and I had made the decision to stay with him and try to make it work. Long, long story short and lots of blog posts later, our marriage did not survive and there were many more affairs than the one he told me about. It's amazing how God chooses to work in mysterious ways. Obviously I was devastated and sickened by the news of my ex-husband. Things had gone downhill a lot since the news of the first affair about 6 years ago. Those of you that know me can testify to the fact that I gave my marriage everything I had. To the point that there was nothing left of me when he moved out. I knew who I had been as a wife, I knew who I was as a mom, as a friend, as a preschool teacher...as everything but my true self. I had given so much of myself and my happiness and the things I loved to Mike to try to make him happy, to try to make our life better, etc., that I had nothing left. It was terrifying.
Then one day I decided to see if Mike Roe was on facebook. This is something entirely out of character for me! Lo and behold, he was! For weeks I debated about contacting him or not. I was terrified, I was confused, I was hurting, I was lonely, I was angry. I was a bunch of things. But I finally got enough courage and I emailed him. I waited a long time but finally got a response back and he gave me his phone number in case I wanted to text. Again, completely out of character for me, I did! So at first we began texting. One of his first questions was how my husband was. So I told him that he was no longer and I told him why. We began talking about that. He was in total shock that someone would cheat on me, I was in total shock that he thought I was worthy of not being cheated on. (See, your mind plays some pretty cruel jokes on you when you've gone through something like I have.) We went back and forth for a couple days just texting. He confessed that he still loved me, all these years later. I confessed that I still loved him too but I also wasn't in a very good place with men and what I was going through. But Mike was there to listen to all the things I needed to say as I sorted through my heart's mess. It's funny how we hadn't talked in person or even through email or a phone in so many years, yet I was immediately comfortable with him. It was like years hadn't passed and I was at ease around him. He understood what I was feeling and he asked me a lot of hard questions that I needed to sort through in order to figure out what my heart wanted and what direction I was going. He was there for me, and even though he loved me, he was there to be my friend, to help with the hurt, to listen to the pain and to make me laugh in the midst of it all. I had a lot of fears though..."what if we were in love with the memory of what we had but the reality is that we don't know each other at all?" I was so afraid that I had put him up on this pedastool and the real Mike was a completely different person. I was afraid that we had both blown up the memory of our relationship so badly that the reality wouldn't hold up. I was of course afraid of being hurt again. But there was just something about him, like my heart had finally found home after so many years. As terrified as I was, he was safe. He was comforting and familiar, even though I hadn't really known him since I was 15 and even then it was only for a few months! We exchanged texts for quite a while and I didn't get a chance to save mine before they were deleted, but of course I saved his. Here's some of them....
"Jen, you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I dearly wish I had you in my life."
"Jen, I would take you right now if I could. I have dreamed of that happening! Really. I loved you so much and I'm not sure I ever stopped."
"I hurt not being the one who got to be with you. I never would have cheated on you. I wish to God there was a chance."
(This is when I was still very cautious and very scared about even thinking about a new relationship!)
"Being with you was always just a dream. My heart is racing right now. I wonder if dreams come true?"
"I have loved you most of my life. That will never change. Whenever you are ready, I am here for you."
This next text is his response to me asking him if we were just in love with the memory of each other and what if there was nothing there at all.
"That's something that we would have to get together and figure out. But I know that the feelings I had for you never went away. I know my heart."
"Jen, it has been hard for me to talk to you over the past few days b/c I've thought you were gone from me forever."
"Do you think it's meant to be now?"
"I'm here for you, Jenni. I always will be. I really hope that if there's a chance and it is meant to be, we don't wait too long and then it doesn't work again."
"Jen, there's no need to cry. Everything will come out the way it's supposed to."
"Jen, in all reality, I never tried to find you again because it hurt. Your parents were the ones who split us up the first time. My life would be drastically different if they hadn't because I would have never left you! It is hard to talk to the person that I wanted to share my life with, and didn't get to. I would stop everything in my life for the chance to be with you! Only my kids do I hold in higher regard, and I know you are a good person, that's why I left you alone, but if ever I have the chance to be with you again I would and am taking it!"
"This is really hard but I might never get to say it again...I have always and still believe, that I would change any job or school, leave everything but my kids behind to be with you. You are my dream girl, high school sweetheart and everything else and I have loved you for as long as I can remember. All I would need is for you to ask. And that is all the truth of it."
(I was still unsure...)
"This hurts worse than I thought. I have needed you for so long. I pray it works the way I've dreamed."
"I hope you get it in your mind that I would do all I could to make you happy Jenni. Never forget it. I pray that you give me the chance to love you!"
There were a lot more text, but I think those sum it up pretty well. I was still terrified...terrified of opening my heart again, even more terrified of the judgment I would receive from a lot of people (which I did), terrified for my kids and the amount of change they were already going through...terrified. But he was a friend when I desperately needed one and I was the friend he desperately needed but didn't tell me until I discovered that for myself. So we decided to start slow, get to know each other first and take our friendship a baby step at a time. One of the best parts to me was to spend time with and talk to someone who knew me "pre-destruction" as I called my marriage to Mike Unrau at that time. Mike was safe...he loved me unconditionally and that was something very, very strange to me. I began to let myself out again, actually, I began to rediscover myself again. There's something that happens when you're a wife and mom and most of the time it's a good and natural thing...you lose yourself in your identity as wife and mom. But I let it get out of balance. I co-founded the CSPD Wives Association to try and support Mike, to try and understand why and how this job had led him to affairs. I was desperate to figure it out, to emerge myself in his world as much as I could to try and understand it better, but also to support him. I hated his job, hated what it had made him become, but knew that being a cop was his identity, so rather than fight it I decided to embrace it. I don't regret it by any means, I loved the CSPD wives with all my heart and made friendships there to last a lifetime, which was something I wasn't expecting. But I did the wives association for the wrong reasons...I so desperately wanted Mike to love me more than his job, so I figured if I embraced it maybe that would help. The reality, that I learned later, was that being a cop wasn't what caused Mike to become the person he became, it was his own doing and his own problems that started with the way he was raised, way before I came along. Obviously with Mike and I separating and him losing his job as a cop, I was no longer a CSPD Wife. Literally in one week I went from being a cop's wife and mom to losing everything in my world...my husband, the Wives Association, a lot of friends and basically my whole identity. I was still a mom of course, but I was a single mom. Oddly enough, it was actually a relief. Mike was so uninvolved with the kids anyway that I had felt like a single mom for years. Now I only had to take care of my kids and I and it was surprisingly refreshing. All of this left me stripped and feeling very naked, very alone...unsure of who I was and what this new future would be for the kids and I. I will briefly interrupt this story to say that I was also amazingly surrounded by people who showed me unbelievable love and support and for that I am forever grateful and incredibly blessed. But there was no one around me that had gone through what I was going through. No one who knew the pain of not only being cheated on their entire marriage, but had it publicized within the entire Police Department, desperately trying to protect my kids from the effect of it, fight off the media, go through the intense and long hours of interviews with CSPD about what I knew, and still try, somehow, to not completely crumble and fade away in the midst of the pain and the questions and the confusing turmoil.
But then there was Mike Roe. Both of our lives were amazingly complicated yet together was just pure and simple and wonderful. The truth is that I didn't know this man, I knew who he was 16 (almost 17 now) years ago, but neither one of us was even close to being the same person we were back then. It's incredibly hard to describe my love for him and our relationship. He was the immediate best friend that I had always longed for. I was blessed, I am blessed, to have many women in my life with whom I have fantastic friendship with. But this was different. Immediately I asked God if this is what it was supposed to be like?! Was this the kind of friendship and trust that He created for a husband and wife to have? We were friends first, which is something I will be forever grateful for. His life was pretty complicated as was mine...we both had two kids that were working their way through the loss of a parent in their home. Mine was a lot fresher, but Mike was going through a bad divorce as well, for reasons eerily similar to mine. And even though Mike was the husband and dad, he also knew what it was like to be cheated on and betrayed. He also knew what it was like to be treated the way I had been treated. He knew what it was like to be the one in the marriage that loved the other spouse more than they loved you. He knew the feeling of deep loss and he knew the feelings you get when your marriage fails, regardless of how or why. From the very beginning we both have said and have seen that this moment of us coming back together, 16 years later, was truly written and orchestrated by God. There's so many things that could have only happened at this time. Mike and I had run across each other so many times in the last 15 years but it wasn't the right time. We both believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that God had to mature us and prepare us for each other and even though we missed out on 15 years of each other's lives, we both had to walk our own roads to prepare us for when we could be together. I know that sounds disgustingly like a romantic notion, dreamed up in the head of a 15 year old in love...but it's the truth. I'm not saying that God's will was for us to marry the wrong people and His will was for our spouses to cheat on us, etc. But I do believe that we both chose our own road, made decisions based on what we wanted at the time, not necessarily what was God's perfect plan for us. But God took the broken pieces, He used what we had decided with our own free will, and brought them together and worked it out for His plan and purpose in our lives. It stinks that we both had to go through so much pain, but sometimes our own free will will lead us to that. God took the wreckage and used it to prepare us for what He had in store for our future. I believe this with my whole heart. And if I could do it all again, if we could do it all again, we would. For the incredible miracles that came from our choice to marry the wrong person were Michael, Riley, Daniel and Hayden. And those sweet, amazing little souls make all the pain and betrayal worth it. I would do it all again in a heartbeat if that meant they were created and I know Mike feels the same way.
Obviously, there is so much more. But for tonight I will leave it at that!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Jenni's version...Part IV.
Apparently Mike and I ran into each other again in 2004, but I didn't remember it until this past year when he told me about it. It was August 2004, according to my journal, it was August 16th! Believe it or not I don't actually journal every single second of my life, but I always journaled about Mike because I had no one else to tell! When we ran into each other I was pregnant with Riley and really, really sick. I was on a lot of medicine at the time to try and keep the pregnancy and apparently it affected my memory. When Mike and I started talking again this past year he told me about meeting Mike Unrau, how I introduced them in the store when we ran into each other. I had no idea what he was talking about! But as we were reading through my old journal we came across this little note I had written, dated August 17, 2004.
"I dreamed of Mike last night and dreamed of our meeting again after 9 years. The dream was so real and so vivid I woke up emotional and now can't get it all out of my mind. And again I wonder, "why?". Why is the attachment so strong? Where is he? Is he home safely? Has he been home and redeployed again? Why hasn't he ever emailed again? That makes me think it's because something happened. Or is it because I told him I had to be careful because I do still love him but I'm married? If that's the truth then I have immense respect and admiration for him. It's driving me nuts! I feel like a 15 year old all over again...left with all these emotions and questions, aching for some sense of closure or some sort of goodbye. Instead I sit here and wait, yet again, like some form of torture. And I can't help but wonder again how I can love someone so deeply who I hardly knew and only had a couple of months with."
I could never explain the pull that Mike Roe had on me. It was literally love at first sight. I used to get angry when everyone in my life at 15 years old told me that I was too young to know what love was. They told me he just wanted to sleep with me and didn't care about me and I was foolish for claiming that I loved this boy. But oh how I loved him! I knew that my 15 year old heart wasn't experienced and didn't know a whole lot about love, but I knew I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him in math class and on the football field. See, when we spent all those wee morning hours together, I got to see the real Mike. I didn't see all the pride and arrogance that everyone else saw, or maybe I just saw through it to the real stuff. What I saw was a very gentle and caring person, what I saw was a boy who cared deeply about a lot of things but didn't want to put his guard down to show it. What I saw was a passionate heart that loved me beyond anything I had ever experienced up to that point. I saw someone who was hurt easily and had some past hurt in his heart that he didn't know how to deal with yet. I saw someone who just wanted to be loved for who he was, not because he was this incredible football player (though I sure loved to see him in uniform...giggle, giggle!) and because he was a smooth talker and knew how to talk to anyone. I saw someone who wanted to be loved as much as he loved, who wanted someone to care for who he really was. I remember thinking that I was the luckiest girl in the world to have this boy love me, choose me. I knew he had so much to offer and a heart bigger than I had seen in most people in my life and I knew that I wanted to be the one to love him for the rest of his life. I've always been thankful that he let me in, that he opened himself up to me with things that he didn't allow anyone else to see. You know they say that you can measure a boy by the way he treats his momma. And Mike loved his mom! They were (are) very close, that was one thing that really impressed me about him. Even though I didn't see them together much (she was always sleeping in the middle of the night!), he talked about her a lot and you could hear the love and respect in his voice. So even though I was 15, I knew that I loved this boy beyond what my heart and head understood and even though I didn't know a lot about love, I knew what this love was. I had an inkling in my heart that it was rare, but it wasn't until I left home and went into the world on my own, and had relationships with other men, that I realized that this kind of love does not come around all the time. Most people never get the chance to be loved like this and to feel love like this and I was so grateful I had, even if it was only for a couple of months.
"I dreamed of Mike last night and dreamed of our meeting again after 9 years. The dream was so real and so vivid I woke up emotional and now can't get it all out of my mind. And again I wonder, "why?". Why is the attachment so strong? Where is he? Is he home safely? Has he been home and redeployed again? Why hasn't he ever emailed again? That makes me think it's because something happened. Or is it because I told him I had to be careful because I do still love him but I'm married? If that's the truth then I have immense respect and admiration for him. It's driving me nuts! I feel like a 15 year old all over again...left with all these emotions and questions, aching for some sense of closure or some sort of goodbye. Instead I sit here and wait, yet again, like some form of torture. And I can't help but wonder again how I can love someone so deeply who I hardly knew and only had a couple of months with."
I could never explain the pull that Mike Roe had on me. It was literally love at first sight. I used to get angry when everyone in my life at 15 years old told me that I was too young to know what love was. They told me he just wanted to sleep with me and didn't care about me and I was foolish for claiming that I loved this boy. But oh how I loved him! I knew that my 15 year old heart wasn't experienced and didn't know a whole lot about love, but I knew I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him in math class and on the football field. See, when we spent all those wee morning hours together, I got to see the real Mike. I didn't see all the pride and arrogance that everyone else saw, or maybe I just saw through it to the real stuff. What I saw was a very gentle and caring person, what I saw was a boy who cared deeply about a lot of things but didn't want to put his guard down to show it. What I saw was a passionate heart that loved me beyond anything I had ever experienced up to that point. I saw someone who was hurt easily and had some past hurt in his heart that he didn't know how to deal with yet. I saw someone who just wanted to be loved for who he was, not because he was this incredible football player (though I sure loved to see him in uniform...giggle, giggle!) and because he was a smooth talker and knew how to talk to anyone. I saw someone who wanted to be loved as much as he loved, who wanted someone to care for who he really was. I remember thinking that I was the luckiest girl in the world to have this boy love me, choose me. I knew he had so much to offer and a heart bigger than I had seen in most people in my life and I knew that I wanted to be the one to love him for the rest of his life. I've always been thankful that he let me in, that he opened himself up to me with things that he didn't allow anyone else to see. You know they say that you can measure a boy by the way he treats his momma. And Mike loved his mom! They were (are) very close, that was one thing that really impressed me about him. Even though I didn't see them together much (she was always sleeping in the middle of the night!), he talked about her a lot and you could hear the love and respect in his voice. So even though I was 15, I knew that I loved this boy beyond what my heart and head understood and even though I didn't know a lot about love, I knew what this love was. I had an inkling in my heart that it was rare, but it wasn't until I left home and went into the world on my own, and had relationships with other men, that I realized that this kind of love does not come around all the time. Most people never get the chance to be loved like this and to feel love like this and I was so grateful I had, even if it was only for a couple of months.
Mike's version...Part I.
So, when I was growing up, I didn’t really have much of a male role model. My father was my best friend until he turned his back on me and didn’t want anything to do with me. I was about thirteen when that all happen, and I failed all my classes in the 9th grade while I was still in Virginia. My parents split up, my father moved in with a new family that I’m sure he was fooling around with before the divorce, and my brother is 6 years older than me and gone to college when this all went down. My best friend Matt had grown up most of his life with his parents and couldn’t really help me because I had known my parents together for all of my life to that point so it was all new to me. My father had left the picture and with things going down hill for me academically and behavior wise, my mother decided to move the two of us to Colorado where she had a long time friend and had plans to open a book store with. I remember the long three day drive to Colorado, and the going away party I had with my three or four closest friends, and most of all seeing the mountains for the first time. I had spent time in West Virginia, but anyone who has been both there and here, those mountains cannot compare to the Rockies!
I was still very angry with the world, and although my mother did everything possible, I still got in my trouble, and made many mistakes. I was never really all that good at keeping in touch with family, and friendships always had a way of coming and going, then coming and going again in a cycle because my level of trust was lower than I thought could ever be possible. I was never any good in school which I give credit to a combination of bad early school experiences, a severe case of ADHD, and the general ability to procrastinate important tasks until the ability to get it done passes, and above all, laziness. I was really good at the blame game, and letting everyone who would listen know that it was always someone else’s fault for any of my mistakes and/or failures. I could make friends, but never really allowed any of them to know really who I am, so they were mostly built on fallacy. I was only ever really good at one thing, sports.
I arrived in Colorado Springs in August of 1992, and decided that I wanted to do something I had never done before outside of going to the park with 10 or 12 friends on the block, and that was to play football. When I got to Coronado High School, and got eligibility from district 11 to play as a freshmen (because I had failed my first 9th grade year, but never played before they approved me to play as a freshmen) I joined the Cougar Football Team. I got there late, but quickly got with the program, and found out that I loved to play. I started out as a 3rd string wide receiver, mostly because I couldn’t catch but still wanted to score touchdowns, until I found out something I never allowed myself to admit to before, and that was how angry I was inside. When Coach Poirier had an open spot on the offensive line and wanted to see how hard everyone could hit, I found out that crashing into things at a full sprint, releases a lot of angry aggression, and made me feel better. I started to hit everything on the field, and looking back I must have been a lot like Adam Sandler in the, “Waterboy,” but it felt really good, not to mention I turned out to be really good at it. I became a starter on both sides of the football, and a father figure relationship with Coach Poirier grew extremely strong over the next two years. I only saw him during football season, and I was kind of wild when I didn’t have that male model interaction that I so badly needed, and couldn’t get anywhere else. So I learned to be on the edge with the wrong crowd in the off months, but it always came down to business when the seasons came around. I had grown to respect and look up to both Coach Poirier and Coach Young so much, when they left the Coronado coaching staff after I had spent 2 seasons with them, there was no way I was not going to transfer to CSCS when they asked me to.
The first thing I did was visit CSCS during the Christmas season before the year I attended to get to the know a little about the school and its students. I spent a week, then made the decision to go to CSCS. Yes, that’s right, I attended Colorado Springs Christian School initially for no other reason than to play football, and help the program get off its feet in its first season. I spent the summer with the football team to be, I was elected to be captain unanimously and I was as arrogant about it as I could get away with. That was all that was important to me at that point. I feel that the attitude I took towards myself, my past failures with academics, my success with sports, my inability to put trust in anyone or anything outside of my football coaches and mother all mixed together and topped with my then uncontrollable need to hang out with the outcast crowd because it was safe, is all what made it possible for the relationship I would eventually be blessed with. I was bad at school, which put me in Mr. DeKorn’s freshman math class, where my general fear of letting anyone in led to my life of happiness years and years later. I didn’t know it yet, but when I was on my high horse, and riding my, “better than everyone else,” attitude, it would be a girl that even with all of my self imposed, “greatness,” I was too shy to even talk to for an entire year that would absolutely break through every wall I had built for years. She would also take my heart away from me with a kiss that would stick with me my entire life afterward.
Posted by Mike.
I was still very angry with the world, and although my mother did everything possible, I still got in my trouble, and made many mistakes. I was never really all that good at keeping in touch with family, and friendships always had a way of coming and going, then coming and going again in a cycle because my level of trust was lower than I thought could ever be possible. I was never any good in school which I give credit to a combination of bad early school experiences, a severe case of ADHD, and the general ability to procrastinate important tasks until the ability to get it done passes, and above all, laziness. I was really good at the blame game, and letting everyone who would listen know that it was always someone else’s fault for any of my mistakes and/or failures. I could make friends, but never really allowed any of them to know really who I am, so they were mostly built on fallacy. I was only ever really good at one thing, sports.
I arrived in Colorado Springs in August of 1992, and decided that I wanted to do something I had never done before outside of going to the park with 10 or 12 friends on the block, and that was to play football. When I got to Coronado High School, and got eligibility from district 11 to play as a freshmen (because I had failed my first 9th grade year, but never played before they approved me to play as a freshmen) I joined the Cougar Football Team. I got there late, but quickly got with the program, and found out that I loved to play. I started out as a 3rd string wide receiver, mostly because I couldn’t catch but still wanted to score touchdowns, until I found out something I never allowed myself to admit to before, and that was how angry I was inside. When Coach Poirier had an open spot on the offensive line and wanted to see how hard everyone could hit, I found out that crashing into things at a full sprint, releases a lot of angry aggression, and made me feel better. I started to hit everything on the field, and looking back I must have been a lot like Adam Sandler in the, “Waterboy,” but it felt really good, not to mention I turned out to be really good at it. I became a starter on both sides of the football, and a father figure relationship with Coach Poirier grew extremely strong over the next two years. I only saw him during football season, and I was kind of wild when I didn’t have that male model interaction that I so badly needed, and couldn’t get anywhere else. So I learned to be on the edge with the wrong crowd in the off months, but it always came down to business when the seasons came around. I had grown to respect and look up to both Coach Poirier and Coach Young so much, when they left the Coronado coaching staff after I had spent 2 seasons with them, there was no way I was not going to transfer to CSCS when they asked me to.
The first thing I did was visit CSCS during the Christmas season before the year I attended to get to the know a little about the school and its students. I spent a week, then made the decision to go to CSCS. Yes, that’s right, I attended Colorado Springs Christian School initially for no other reason than to play football, and help the program get off its feet in its first season. I spent the summer with the football team to be, I was elected to be captain unanimously and I was as arrogant about it as I could get away with. That was all that was important to me at that point. I feel that the attitude I took towards myself, my past failures with academics, my success with sports, my inability to put trust in anyone or anything outside of my football coaches and mother all mixed together and topped with my then uncontrollable need to hang out with the outcast crowd because it was safe, is all what made it possible for the relationship I would eventually be blessed with. I was bad at school, which put me in Mr. DeKorn’s freshman math class, where my general fear of letting anyone in led to my life of happiness years and years later. I didn’t know it yet, but when I was on my high horse, and riding my, “better than everyone else,” attitude, it would be a girl that even with all of my self imposed, “greatness,” I was too shy to even talk to for an entire year that would absolutely break through every wall I had built for years. She would also take my heart away from me with a kiss that would stick with me my entire life afterward.
Posted by Mike.
Jenni's version...Part III.
The saga continues...(I told you it was long!)
So the very last time I saw Mike while still in high school was when my volleyball team decided to t-pee his house. My dear friend (who shall remain nameless because I'm not sure she's all that proud of it!) called him and arranged for him to meet me in his backyard while the rest of my volleyball team wrecked havoc on his front yard. My volleyball coach had no idea...I thought anyway. Looking back I'm sure she wasn't that stupid and figured it out pretty quickly. It was the last time I saw him, last time I kissed him and I bawled my eyes out as we said goodbye. Mike and Kathy were sweet enough to allow my friends to t-pee their backyard and even clean it up themselves afterward. Too funny. I'm sure our children will be putting us into those situations as well. I'm bummed because I actually found pictures of his t-pee'd house that night and scanned them into my computer but for some reason they won't upload. So you'll just have to imagine it until I can figure out how to be smarter than the computer.
So the years pass. Occasionally I would write in my journal about Mike. He dated other people, I dated other people but still always had him in my heart and in my thoughts. He moved schools after that summer, which was a good thing since my parents threatened to send me to boarding school if I ever saw him again. Not even kidding, they even handed me the brochure. Now they say they wouldn't have sent me, they were just trying to scare me. Crap, it worked!
So fast forward to my first year of college...so, 3 years later. I got a phone call from a friend back home (I was in Kansas, at Tabor College). She told me that she heard through the grapevine that Mike got married to a girl we went to high school. I even wrote in my journal about it and said something like, "Well, I guess now I can move on. He's married. GET OVER HIM!" See, I held this belief in what he and I had talked about a lot, that he would come find me when I was 18 and we could be together. I dated a few other guys since Mike, but no one serious. Literally I was passing time until I was 18 (I went to college a year early, so was still 17 my first year). I remember that phone call though and remember that journal entry. Knowing he had moved on freed my heart to also move on, as much as I could. I remember praying for him then...hoping and wanting him to be happy and living a life he deserved, the very best. It was hard to think of him marrying someone else, that's not how our story was supposed to end! Our plans were supposed to happen, it should have been us getting married! In some ways I was heartbroken all over again, in some ways I was angry. Angry that my parents did all of that, angry that we were ripped apart like we were. Angry that life and love wasn't fair, angry that he didn't wait for me, and angry that he wasn't mine. Not even kidding you, it was merely weeks later that I met Mike Unrau. And I'm glad that I was able to let go of Mike Roe so that I could love Mike Unrau so freely.
Fast forward to fall of 1999. Mike and I had been married for about 6 weeks when we decided to go see a friend play volleyball at C.S.C.S. (the school Mike Roe and I had gone to). Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to run into Mike Roe there! Sure enough, there he sat with his wife at the time. Come to find out, it was the only game he had gone to as well during all those years. I don't remember much of the game and I'm sure Mike Unrau was wondering what the heck my problem was. I think I told him it was Mike sitting down there, but I don't remember for sure. See, every guy I dated knew about Mike Roe. They knew how much I had loved him and how much my heart had been broken through the whole process. My first boyfriend after Mike Roe couldn't even buy me roses for a year because Mike used to bring me a rose every time he picked me up! Pathetic, I know. Anyway, I sat up on the top of the bleachers staring down at Mike's head the whole game. I was shaking and doing my best to pretend to be calm and unaffected. At one point I had gone to the bathroom and literally walked right beside him on my way back up the bleachers. But I was pretty sure he didn't even see me. Or worse yet, didn't remember me! Yikes! I was so terrified! Needless to say it shook me up quite a bit. Here I was just newly married and totally in love with my husband, yet shaken up at seeing my old flame. I felt guilty for how much it shook me up too. This was my journal entry from that night:
"Mike was there with ******. When I saw him I literally couldn't breathe. I sat up behind him and trembled the whole game, oblivious to anything but my thoughts and memories and of course the visible image of him. I walked by him a couple of times but didn't think he saw me. It was an emotional night, yet again it all came flooding back. I felt so, so guilty, here I was a happy newlywed, yet seeing him shook me up so badly."
Fast forward to October 2002. I got an email from my older sister, Laura, saying "You will never believe who found me on Classmates." Sure enough, it was Mike Roe. She didn't know what to do, said he wanted to get a hold of me. So I gave her permission to send him my email address. Michael was about 2 months old and I was extremely happily married. In fact, this was the best time of Mike and I's marriage. But I was dying of curiosity to know what this boy that i had loved wanted to say to me! And because I am the sentimental fool, I, of course, saved his emails! Here it is:
"Jenni,
I cannot believe I have finally found you. I have been looking for you for years. Three to be exact. The last time I saw you, you were at a CSCS volleyball game, and I saw you sitting in the stands. I was with ****** (exwife :), do you remember? Well, ****** and I were divorced in Jan. of 2000. I have been looking for you ever since. I went back in the Army in 2000, and am almost done with it. I am getting out in Feb of '03. I haven't decided where I am going to go yet, but I will soon. Anyway, how are you? Are you married? I figured that the first person that came along and realized how special and wonderful you were, just wouldn't let you go. I wish I never would have, but we kinda had some weird circumstances. I would like to know about you, please write and tell me everything. I never forgot what I told you that last time we saw each other...when you "T-pee'd my house". And I still mean it. I have never forgotten you. I hope to hear from you soon. I have been waiting for a letter from you for 3 years after all. I will be waiting and watching everyday.
With all my love,
Mike Roe"
WHOA!! What?! I cannot even adequately express how this email made me feel. I was shocked! This was a chapter in my life I had closed off, it had ended when he got married! And I was very happily married. So I told him that. I emailed him back and told him I was happier than I had ever been, bragged and went on and on about my husband (ask him, he'll tell you how much he gagged!), told him all about my sweet newborn baby boy and pretty much wished him well. I did tell him how much I loved him back then and that he would always hold a special place in my heart, but that I was happy and 100% committed to my husband. I wish I would have saved my emails, but I didn't. This is the one I got back in reply.
"Well, am so glad to hear from you. I have been looking for you forever, and it turns out that my worst fear has come true. It sounds like you are happy though, and that lifts my heart. I just wish I could have been the one to give that to you. I actually sat and looked at your email for like 5 minutes before I opened and read it. I had all kinds of butterflies. Is is like looking for something for a lifetime, and then finally just all of a sudden finding it. You were a part of a puzzle that I couldn't finish (hmmm...strangely similar to my journal entry!), and now, married or not, I am complete. I am not trying to imply anything, I just wanted you to know how much of an impact you had on me, after we never saw each other again. I am still so in love with you. I am still tingly on the fact that I am writing you. I am just so happy to get to talk to you at all. My hands are shaking as I'm writing, so please excuse the mess-ups. I will talk to you soon.
Love Always,
Mike Roe"
My next email to him was filling in the years and gaps since we had last seen each other. And I know you are wondering and yes, Mike Unrau knew I was emailing Mike Roe! He told me it was my choice, that if I felt I needed to clear some of the past up and get closure than he would support that. So Mike Roe and I filled each other in on the years and then he sent this:
"I want you to know. I have been looking for you since '99 when she and I broke up, I was well aware that if I ever found you, you might be married, so I was prepared for that. I am happy that you are so happy. I will never do or say anything to change that. Tell Mike that he is a lucky man. I just want to be your friend if that is possible. I want to meet him, and make you a part of my life. I lost you once, I will never let you out of contact again. You are so special to me. You, you were the only one I ever truly loved. I was too young to get married (they got divorced for similar reasons as Mike and I did, except she was the one "at fault"). I haven't dated much, but I am sure I will find someone. I am happy as I can be, but I am much happier, knowing you are happy. I will always love you, and am willing to be your friend to be near you. God has given me the strength to deal with this a long time ago."
I wrote him back and pretty much told him it was too hard for me to be in contact, that I loved my husband and it tore me up to talk about the past. Then I got this email...
"This is just a little harder to swallow than I thought. I am hurting but don't want to show it to you. I don't want to make things hard for you at all. I am sorry. We move out tomorrow (he was in the Army and this was right before the U.S. moved into Iraq.). We will be on the homefront of Kuwait for a while. Remember you will always be in my heart. Thinking of you always.
Love,
Mike"
And that was the last I heard from him. I was upset because I feared he had gone to Iraq and gotten killed, but I was also relieved because I knew I could not devote my heart 100% to my husband if I had any kind of contact with Mike Roe. Years passed and occasionally I would look up the list of fallen soldiers online to see if I saw his name. I never did and I always wondered what happened to him. I did, however, live fully in the present with my husband. I don't want anyone to mistake that. I was glad that Mike Roe and I were able to talk about the past and have more of a sense of closure, because that's something that kind of always haunted me. But like I said, I was relieved we weren't in contact anymore because I did love my husband and was determined to remain loyal to him, not just physically but emotionally.
Fast forward to July of 2004. This is a journal entry that I entered in the very back of my "Mike Roe Journal" from when I was 15.
"Again, here I am years later...though I've kept journaling over the years, the "end" of the Mike Roe story hasn't ever come yet. I wrestle with whether or not to write exactly what's on my heart, only because my husband deserves my whole heart and loyalty. Yet as I go back and read this journal I know there is more I need to record. So why not do it here and now, it seems there was some reason why I left the rest of this journal blank. Who knows, maybe someday a granddaughter will come across this and enjoy what I think is an incredible love story! I think I will forever be a romantic, hoping and dreaming of a world where you have a perfect, passionate, and flawless love and it all becomes a "happily ever after". Oh for a world that doesn't have heartache and pain, that is uncomplicated and simple. Yet I know if it weren't for the complicated heartache and pain, I wouldn't be who I am today. Obviously life moved on after Mike Roe. I am so grateful I wrote down all those feelings of love and pain. I'm glad they were here for me to come back to...in a way to remember the intensity of them. No feelings ever came close to what I felt towards Mike. Up until I met my husband, Mike, I always compared every guy to Mike Roe. No one ever came close to him, I never felt that intense and burning love that consumed all of me. Then along came Mike Unrau (yikes, this is tough to relive) and he was an immediate and overwhelming love and i knew I would marry him. He was the 2nd love of my life and though I've never doubted my live for him is genuine, it's not the same love I had for Mike Roe. Which of course it's not the same, they are two very different people. In a way time did heal those wounds from Mike. Time has a way of lessening the intensity of emotions and that's how it heals. In life you are always forced to move on, to continue your journey. Yet that doesn't always mean you've really "moved on" and healed, sometimes it means you've forced yourself to bury and ignore what's in your heart of hearts. Life didn't allow me to stay in the comfort and safety of our love and time made me believe that maybe I made all those emotions up. Maybe I allowed all my romantic hopes and dreams to come up with this make believe love. Life only showed me that the love Mike Roe and I had doesn't exist. People don't fall in love like that at 15 years old and they don't love each other passionately and desperately at first sight. And they don't so blindly and honestly love someone like that without knowing them very well. But life can be very unfair, because it was wrong about our love. All those things were true about us. I still can't understand how Mike and I had such a short time together yet my heart and soul KNEW him and loved him beyond anything I can fathom. And I can say all of this 10 years later, when I'm not blinded by that fresh love and childish drama. I could write an entire journal about my love for my hubby Mike, in fact i already have! But I'm only writing in here to get this most recent stuff out so I can truly put this story to rest. So I fell in love with Mike Unrau and we married almost 5 years ago. We've had hard times for sure, but I've never doubted our marriage or my love for him. I can look back now because I am married to who I believe was God's will for me to marry. But I still don't know why I had to go through all of that with Mike Roe. It's almost 10 years later and I still don't know. I don't regret any of those decisions I made to be with Mike Roe. Even though I went through hell for so long afterward I know it was worth it. There's almost no greater feeling and memories than that of a first love and I'm still SO grateful Mike was mine. To this day though I've never understood how I could love two men so deeply at the same time. I've always said that some aspects of love are a choice. Love will bring you to marriage, but sometimes during trials and irritating moments you have to choose to love enough to get beyond that. I've learned a healthy and happy marriage requires that choice sometimes and it's not a bad thing, it's a reality. But in the last couple of years, especially since October 2002, I've also realized that in order to remain faithful to Mike in all areas, I also have to choose to NOT allow my love for Mike Roe to surface and be on my mind and heart. And that's partly why I'm writing all of this, to sort out my heart and mind, to get it all out and be able to let it go again. It's my responsibility to make sure I am giving Mike all that I have to give."
And I did. It would have been easy to think about this old love, to dream up what could have been, to think of the "what if". But I wanted to and was determined to be loyal in all ways to my husband. And I did...I put the story of Mike Roe behind me and lived happily and wholly in my marriage to Mike Unrau.
Fast forward again to October 30, 2004. I was 6 months pregnant with Riley and Michael was just barely 2 years old. I took him to the mall one afternoon to kill time, Mike was working, as always. I took Michael to the pet store because we always loved to go see the puppies and kitties at Pet City. I picked him up and we were both looking at the little kittens. All of the sudden this guy walks past me and as he is passing me says, "They're cute, aren't they?". I barely turned and said, "Yeah" or something to that affect when I realized it was Mike Roe! WHAT?! Why is it always out of nowhere?!?! Without thinking and before I could stop myself, I turned and said, "Mike, is that you?!" He grinned and we both hugged each other tight, me with Michael still in my arms and my pregnant belly sticking out to forever. I don't remember much of our conversation except I was so incredibly attracted to him. Then all of the sudden this girl walks up to him, he puts his arm around her and introduces me to his girlfriend. I don't remember much of it, except feeling awkward and uncomfortable and wishing Mike Unrau had been with me! I do remember how incredibly shaken up I was and confused as to WHY I was feeling this way when I was SO happily married and devoted to my husband! I said a quick goodbye to him and his girlfriend and booked it out of there pretty fast. I remember walking downstairs and around the corner and just sitting down to catch my breath because I was shaken up so badly. I calmed myself down and then Michael and I left the mall, I was terrified to run into him again! Once again I wondered how you could love two men at the same time. But I figured it was the idea of Mike Roe and the whole history of him being my first love that I was in love with, not the actual person. 2 weeks after running into Mike at Pet City, Mike Unrau told me of his first affair. I remember thanking God that I didn't run into Mike Roe AFTER I learned of Mike's affair because that would have been too tempting. I knew that i wanted to try and forgive Mike and make our marriage work. And I did my best. But it's curious to me that all that happened right when it did. God has a plan...of this I am beginning to see and understand!
So the very last time I saw Mike while still in high school was when my volleyball team decided to t-pee his house. My dear friend (who shall remain nameless because I'm not sure she's all that proud of it!) called him and arranged for him to meet me in his backyard while the rest of my volleyball team wrecked havoc on his front yard. My volleyball coach had no idea...I thought anyway. Looking back I'm sure she wasn't that stupid and figured it out pretty quickly. It was the last time I saw him, last time I kissed him and I bawled my eyes out as we said goodbye. Mike and Kathy were sweet enough to allow my friends to t-pee their backyard and even clean it up themselves afterward. Too funny. I'm sure our children will be putting us into those situations as well. I'm bummed because I actually found pictures of his t-pee'd house that night and scanned them into my computer but for some reason they won't upload. So you'll just have to imagine it until I can figure out how to be smarter than the computer.
So the years pass. Occasionally I would write in my journal about Mike. He dated other people, I dated other people but still always had him in my heart and in my thoughts. He moved schools after that summer, which was a good thing since my parents threatened to send me to boarding school if I ever saw him again. Not even kidding, they even handed me the brochure. Now they say they wouldn't have sent me, they were just trying to scare me. Crap, it worked!
So fast forward to my first year of college...so, 3 years later. I got a phone call from a friend back home (I was in Kansas, at Tabor College). She told me that she heard through the grapevine that Mike got married to a girl we went to high school. I even wrote in my journal about it and said something like, "Well, I guess now I can move on. He's married. GET OVER HIM!" See, I held this belief in what he and I had talked about a lot, that he would come find me when I was 18 and we could be together. I dated a few other guys since Mike, but no one serious. Literally I was passing time until I was 18 (I went to college a year early, so was still 17 my first year). I remember that phone call though and remember that journal entry. Knowing he had moved on freed my heart to also move on, as much as I could. I remember praying for him then...hoping and wanting him to be happy and living a life he deserved, the very best. It was hard to think of him marrying someone else, that's not how our story was supposed to end! Our plans were supposed to happen, it should have been us getting married! In some ways I was heartbroken all over again, in some ways I was angry. Angry that my parents did all of that, angry that we were ripped apart like we were. Angry that life and love wasn't fair, angry that he didn't wait for me, and angry that he wasn't mine. Not even kidding you, it was merely weeks later that I met Mike Unrau. And I'm glad that I was able to let go of Mike Roe so that I could love Mike Unrau so freely.
Fast forward to fall of 1999. Mike and I had been married for about 6 weeks when we decided to go see a friend play volleyball at C.S.C.S. (the school Mike Roe and I had gone to). Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to run into Mike Roe there! Sure enough, there he sat with his wife at the time. Come to find out, it was the only game he had gone to as well during all those years. I don't remember much of the game and I'm sure Mike Unrau was wondering what the heck my problem was. I think I told him it was Mike sitting down there, but I don't remember for sure. See, every guy I dated knew about Mike Roe. They knew how much I had loved him and how much my heart had been broken through the whole process. My first boyfriend after Mike Roe couldn't even buy me roses for a year because Mike used to bring me a rose every time he picked me up! Pathetic, I know. Anyway, I sat up on the top of the bleachers staring down at Mike's head the whole game. I was shaking and doing my best to pretend to be calm and unaffected. At one point I had gone to the bathroom and literally walked right beside him on my way back up the bleachers. But I was pretty sure he didn't even see me. Or worse yet, didn't remember me! Yikes! I was so terrified! Needless to say it shook me up quite a bit. Here I was just newly married and totally in love with my husband, yet shaken up at seeing my old flame. I felt guilty for how much it shook me up too. This was my journal entry from that night:
"Mike was there with ******. When I saw him I literally couldn't breathe. I sat up behind him and trembled the whole game, oblivious to anything but my thoughts and memories and of course the visible image of him. I walked by him a couple of times but didn't think he saw me. It was an emotional night, yet again it all came flooding back. I felt so, so guilty, here I was a happy newlywed, yet seeing him shook me up so badly."
Fast forward to October 2002. I got an email from my older sister, Laura, saying "You will never believe who found me on Classmates." Sure enough, it was Mike Roe. She didn't know what to do, said he wanted to get a hold of me. So I gave her permission to send him my email address. Michael was about 2 months old and I was extremely happily married. In fact, this was the best time of Mike and I's marriage. But I was dying of curiosity to know what this boy that i had loved wanted to say to me! And because I am the sentimental fool, I, of course, saved his emails! Here it is:
"Jenni,
I cannot believe I have finally found you. I have been looking for you for years. Three to be exact. The last time I saw you, you were at a CSCS volleyball game, and I saw you sitting in the stands. I was with ****** (exwife :), do you remember? Well, ****** and I were divorced in Jan. of 2000. I have been looking for you ever since. I went back in the Army in 2000, and am almost done with it. I am getting out in Feb of '03. I haven't decided where I am going to go yet, but I will soon. Anyway, how are you? Are you married? I figured that the first person that came along and realized how special and wonderful you were, just wouldn't let you go. I wish I never would have, but we kinda had some weird circumstances. I would like to know about you, please write and tell me everything. I never forgot what I told you that last time we saw each other...when you "T-pee'd my house". And I still mean it. I have never forgotten you. I hope to hear from you soon. I have been waiting for a letter from you for 3 years after all. I will be waiting and watching everyday.
With all my love,
Mike Roe"
WHOA!! What?! I cannot even adequately express how this email made me feel. I was shocked! This was a chapter in my life I had closed off, it had ended when he got married! And I was very happily married. So I told him that. I emailed him back and told him I was happier than I had ever been, bragged and went on and on about my husband (ask him, he'll tell you how much he gagged!), told him all about my sweet newborn baby boy and pretty much wished him well. I did tell him how much I loved him back then and that he would always hold a special place in my heart, but that I was happy and 100% committed to my husband. I wish I would have saved my emails, but I didn't. This is the one I got back in reply.
"Well, am so glad to hear from you. I have been looking for you forever, and it turns out that my worst fear has come true. It sounds like you are happy though, and that lifts my heart. I just wish I could have been the one to give that to you. I actually sat and looked at your email for like 5 minutes before I opened and read it. I had all kinds of butterflies. Is is like looking for something for a lifetime, and then finally just all of a sudden finding it. You were a part of a puzzle that I couldn't finish (hmmm...strangely similar to my journal entry!), and now, married or not, I am complete. I am not trying to imply anything, I just wanted you to know how much of an impact you had on me, after we never saw each other again. I am still so in love with you. I am still tingly on the fact that I am writing you. I am just so happy to get to talk to you at all. My hands are shaking as I'm writing, so please excuse the mess-ups. I will talk to you soon.
Love Always,
Mike Roe"
My next email to him was filling in the years and gaps since we had last seen each other. And I know you are wondering and yes, Mike Unrau knew I was emailing Mike Roe! He told me it was my choice, that if I felt I needed to clear some of the past up and get closure than he would support that. So Mike Roe and I filled each other in on the years and then he sent this:
"I want you to know. I have been looking for you since '99 when she and I broke up, I was well aware that if I ever found you, you might be married, so I was prepared for that. I am happy that you are so happy. I will never do or say anything to change that. Tell Mike that he is a lucky man. I just want to be your friend if that is possible. I want to meet him, and make you a part of my life. I lost you once, I will never let you out of contact again. You are so special to me. You, you were the only one I ever truly loved. I was too young to get married (they got divorced for similar reasons as Mike and I did, except she was the one "at fault"). I haven't dated much, but I am sure I will find someone. I am happy as I can be, but I am much happier, knowing you are happy. I will always love you, and am willing to be your friend to be near you. God has given me the strength to deal with this a long time ago."
I wrote him back and pretty much told him it was too hard for me to be in contact, that I loved my husband and it tore me up to talk about the past. Then I got this email...
"This is just a little harder to swallow than I thought. I am hurting but don't want to show it to you. I don't want to make things hard for you at all. I am sorry. We move out tomorrow (he was in the Army and this was right before the U.S. moved into Iraq.). We will be on the homefront of Kuwait for a while. Remember you will always be in my heart. Thinking of you always.
Love,
Mike"
And that was the last I heard from him. I was upset because I feared he had gone to Iraq and gotten killed, but I was also relieved because I knew I could not devote my heart 100% to my husband if I had any kind of contact with Mike Roe. Years passed and occasionally I would look up the list of fallen soldiers online to see if I saw his name. I never did and I always wondered what happened to him. I did, however, live fully in the present with my husband. I don't want anyone to mistake that. I was glad that Mike Roe and I were able to talk about the past and have more of a sense of closure, because that's something that kind of always haunted me. But like I said, I was relieved we weren't in contact anymore because I did love my husband and was determined to remain loyal to him, not just physically but emotionally.
Fast forward to July of 2004. This is a journal entry that I entered in the very back of my "Mike Roe Journal" from when I was 15.
"Again, here I am years later...though I've kept journaling over the years, the "end" of the Mike Roe story hasn't ever come yet. I wrestle with whether or not to write exactly what's on my heart, only because my husband deserves my whole heart and loyalty. Yet as I go back and read this journal I know there is more I need to record. So why not do it here and now, it seems there was some reason why I left the rest of this journal blank. Who knows, maybe someday a granddaughter will come across this and enjoy what I think is an incredible love story! I think I will forever be a romantic, hoping and dreaming of a world where you have a perfect, passionate, and flawless love and it all becomes a "happily ever after". Oh for a world that doesn't have heartache and pain, that is uncomplicated and simple. Yet I know if it weren't for the complicated heartache and pain, I wouldn't be who I am today. Obviously life moved on after Mike Roe. I am so grateful I wrote down all those feelings of love and pain. I'm glad they were here for me to come back to...in a way to remember the intensity of them. No feelings ever came close to what I felt towards Mike. Up until I met my husband, Mike, I always compared every guy to Mike Roe. No one ever came close to him, I never felt that intense and burning love that consumed all of me. Then along came Mike Unrau (yikes, this is tough to relive) and he was an immediate and overwhelming love and i knew I would marry him. He was the 2nd love of my life and though I've never doubted my live for him is genuine, it's not the same love I had for Mike Roe. Which of course it's not the same, they are two very different people. In a way time did heal those wounds from Mike. Time has a way of lessening the intensity of emotions and that's how it heals. In life you are always forced to move on, to continue your journey. Yet that doesn't always mean you've really "moved on" and healed, sometimes it means you've forced yourself to bury and ignore what's in your heart of hearts. Life didn't allow me to stay in the comfort and safety of our love and time made me believe that maybe I made all those emotions up. Maybe I allowed all my romantic hopes and dreams to come up with this make believe love. Life only showed me that the love Mike Roe and I had doesn't exist. People don't fall in love like that at 15 years old and they don't love each other passionately and desperately at first sight. And they don't so blindly and honestly love someone like that without knowing them very well. But life can be very unfair, because it was wrong about our love. All those things were true about us. I still can't understand how Mike and I had such a short time together yet my heart and soul KNEW him and loved him beyond anything I can fathom. And I can say all of this 10 years later, when I'm not blinded by that fresh love and childish drama. I could write an entire journal about my love for my hubby Mike, in fact i already have! But I'm only writing in here to get this most recent stuff out so I can truly put this story to rest. So I fell in love with Mike Unrau and we married almost 5 years ago. We've had hard times for sure, but I've never doubted our marriage or my love for him. I can look back now because I am married to who I believe was God's will for me to marry. But I still don't know why I had to go through all of that with Mike Roe. It's almost 10 years later and I still don't know. I don't regret any of those decisions I made to be with Mike Roe. Even though I went through hell for so long afterward I know it was worth it. There's almost no greater feeling and memories than that of a first love and I'm still SO grateful Mike was mine. To this day though I've never understood how I could love two men so deeply at the same time. I've always said that some aspects of love are a choice. Love will bring you to marriage, but sometimes during trials and irritating moments you have to choose to love enough to get beyond that. I've learned a healthy and happy marriage requires that choice sometimes and it's not a bad thing, it's a reality. But in the last couple of years, especially since October 2002, I've also realized that in order to remain faithful to Mike in all areas, I also have to choose to NOT allow my love for Mike Roe to surface and be on my mind and heart. And that's partly why I'm writing all of this, to sort out my heart and mind, to get it all out and be able to let it go again. It's my responsibility to make sure I am giving Mike all that I have to give."
And I did. It would have been easy to think about this old love, to dream up what could have been, to think of the "what if". But I wanted to and was determined to be loyal in all ways to my husband. And I did...I put the story of Mike Roe behind me and lived happily and wholly in my marriage to Mike Unrau.
Fast forward again to October 30, 2004. I was 6 months pregnant with Riley and Michael was just barely 2 years old. I took him to the mall one afternoon to kill time, Mike was working, as always. I took Michael to the pet store because we always loved to go see the puppies and kitties at Pet City. I picked him up and we were both looking at the little kittens. All of the sudden this guy walks past me and as he is passing me says, "They're cute, aren't they?". I barely turned and said, "Yeah" or something to that affect when I realized it was Mike Roe! WHAT?! Why is it always out of nowhere?!?! Without thinking and before I could stop myself, I turned and said, "Mike, is that you?!" He grinned and we both hugged each other tight, me with Michael still in my arms and my pregnant belly sticking out to forever. I don't remember much of our conversation except I was so incredibly attracted to him. Then all of the sudden this girl walks up to him, he puts his arm around her and introduces me to his girlfriend. I don't remember much of it, except feeling awkward and uncomfortable and wishing Mike Unrau had been with me! I do remember how incredibly shaken up I was and confused as to WHY I was feeling this way when I was SO happily married and devoted to my husband! I said a quick goodbye to him and his girlfriend and booked it out of there pretty fast. I remember walking downstairs and around the corner and just sitting down to catch my breath because I was shaken up so badly. I calmed myself down and then Michael and I left the mall, I was terrified to run into him again! Once again I wondered how you could love two men at the same time. But I figured it was the idea of Mike Roe and the whole history of him being my first love that I was in love with, not the actual person. 2 weeks after running into Mike at Pet City, Mike Unrau told me of his first affair. I remember thanking God that I didn't run into Mike Roe AFTER I learned of Mike's affair because that would have been too tempting. I knew that i wanted to try and forgive Mike and make our marriage work. And I did my best. But it's curious to me that all that happened right when it did. God has a plan...of this I am beginning to see and understand!
Jenni's version...Part II.
I'm sure I can say, "First Love" and everyone automatically remembers their first love. Hopefully everyone remembers their first love with a smile and a warm feeling in their heart. We all have our first loves and along with that a little piece of our heart belongs to that person, no matter how happy you are in life now or who you are spending the rest of your life with. Whenever I remembered my first love I too had a warm feeling in my heart, but I also had a bit of sadness as well. Mainly because Mike and I never really got to say goodbye, neither one of us ended our relationship, it was ended by my parents. So in the back of my mind and heart I always, always wondered "what if". I always felt that had one of us ended our relationship it would have made it possible to "get over" him and move on. Had he broken my heart it would have helped in the breaking up process! I struggled so much when our relationship ended, just as I'm sure every first love does. I happened to keep a journal of those emotions and when Mike and I first got back together I found it and we both read it together. Talk about a walk down memory lane! Granted I filled an entire journal up with my 15 year old broken heart emotions, but I won't torture you by sharing all of it! Going back and reading over it I can still feel all those emotions, they were so strong and intense. It's a little surreal sometimes to realize that this boy I loved/love so deeply is back in my life...15 years later.
August 9, 1995...just days after my parents found out.
"How am I going to make it? The pain of having to lose him is like nothing I've ever felt before. It hurts so incredibly bad. It's like my heart is shattered. I'm trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but I'm missing the center part. It's like someone stole the pieces and left a huge, empty hole in the middle. Then I remember who. How could I forget? He's so beautiful, so sweet, so incredible. So precious. so unforgettable. I'll never forget. As long as I live. I don't want anyone but Mike. HE stole my heart. I love him so, so, so much. I can never express how much. Love can be the absolute best thing in the entire universe. But it can also be the most painful. I just want to run to him. Let him hold me, wipe away my tears, comfort me and protect me."
Now keep in mind I was only 15, so you can't laugh too hard at me!
August 21, 1995
"It's hard to imagine that God has the perfect guy for you, especially when I'm trying to get over Mike. It's like you know you and your husband are going to be 'perfect'. You know it will be the absolute best for you, it will be true love. But to tell you the truth, I don't want anyone except Mike. I want to live the rest of my life with him. It's like there's no one better in all of the world. And if there possibly is, you don't want to have anything to do with him. I just want Mike, no one else. My heart feels like it's going to explode because I love him so, so much. Last night I woke up about every hour because I kept dreaming of him. I hardly slept. No matter where I go I can't escape thinking about him."
This entry I wrote when we took my older sister to Tabor College (keep in mind I met Mike Unrau at Tabor College).
August 26, 1995
"I'm really having a tough time missing Mike, especially since this trip. I was looking at all the guys at Tabor, especially football guys. I realized that I can never love anyone like I do Mike. I love him so much, I don't even want another guy, ever. I just keep thinking about Mike. I keep remembering his little jokes, his little playful glances or the way he would hold my hand or gently rub my leg while he was driving. I miss the way he would suddenly whisper in my ear, "You know what? You're so beautiful.""
August 28, 1995
"I know Mike is the only one for me. To tell you the truth, I feel that I will always, always belong to him. I truly believe that for Mike and I it was love at first sight. Before Mike I had never felt that strongly for someone. Being Mike's girlfriend was so great. It felt like the most natural, the most "right" thing in the whole world. Ever since the first day of school last year I knew in my heart that Mike was special. I just can't express how much I love him. It's impossible to even come close. To even think I'll never see him again breaks my heart. The pain is unlike anything I've ever felt before."
September 2, 1995
"Anytime I think of Mike I just feel like I can't go on without him. Like I don't even want to go on without him. I miss him so incredibly much. Every second I wonder what he's doing. I wonder if he's thinking about me, missing me. I just want to be with him, be close to him. Be wrapped in his arms forever. I want to wake up every morning in his arms, right beside him. I want to hear him breathing in my ear. Why does it have to be this way? Why do 2 people who belong together have to be seperated? And why does it have to hurt so badly? I feel so lonely, like half of me is missing. It is missing. Mike's not here."
September 27, 1995
"I'm pretty depressed tonight. I miss Mike so much. I love writing his name. Mike, Mike, Mike...Mike and Jennifer Roe. Doesn't that look absolutely beautiful?!!"
(Cracks me up...oh to be 15 again!!)
February 2, 1996
"It's been a long time since I've talked to Mike or anything. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I miss him so much, it's amazing. I don't doubt at all that Mike was/is my first love. I know in my heart that no matter how hard I try not to, I will always love him. I don't love him for the way he made me feel and because he was my first kiss or anything. I will always love him as the Mike I knew, the Mike I got to personally and deeply know. The one who opened his heart to me and let it all pour out. The one I became best friends with in the wee hours of the morning. The one I got to know like no one else, the Mike I discovered when no one else was around."
August 9, 1995...just days after my parents found out.
"How am I going to make it? The pain of having to lose him is like nothing I've ever felt before. It hurts so incredibly bad. It's like my heart is shattered. I'm trying to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but I'm missing the center part. It's like someone stole the pieces and left a huge, empty hole in the middle. Then I remember who. How could I forget? He's so beautiful, so sweet, so incredible. So precious. so unforgettable. I'll never forget. As long as I live. I don't want anyone but Mike. HE stole my heart. I love him so, so, so much. I can never express how much. Love can be the absolute best thing in the entire universe. But it can also be the most painful. I just want to run to him. Let him hold me, wipe away my tears, comfort me and protect me."
Now keep in mind I was only 15, so you can't laugh too hard at me!
August 21, 1995
"It's hard to imagine that God has the perfect guy for you, especially when I'm trying to get over Mike. It's like you know you and your husband are going to be 'perfect'. You know it will be the absolute best for you, it will be true love. But to tell you the truth, I don't want anyone except Mike. I want to live the rest of my life with him. It's like there's no one better in all of the world. And if there possibly is, you don't want to have anything to do with him. I just want Mike, no one else. My heart feels like it's going to explode because I love him so, so much. Last night I woke up about every hour because I kept dreaming of him. I hardly slept. No matter where I go I can't escape thinking about him."
This entry I wrote when we took my older sister to Tabor College (keep in mind I met Mike Unrau at Tabor College).
August 26, 1995
"I'm really having a tough time missing Mike, especially since this trip. I was looking at all the guys at Tabor, especially football guys. I realized that I can never love anyone like I do Mike. I love him so much, I don't even want another guy, ever. I just keep thinking about Mike. I keep remembering his little jokes, his little playful glances or the way he would hold my hand or gently rub my leg while he was driving. I miss the way he would suddenly whisper in my ear, "You know what? You're so beautiful.""
August 28, 1995
"I know Mike is the only one for me. To tell you the truth, I feel that I will always, always belong to him. I truly believe that for Mike and I it was love at first sight. Before Mike I had never felt that strongly for someone. Being Mike's girlfriend was so great. It felt like the most natural, the most "right" thing in the whole world. Ever since the first day of school last year I knew in my heart that Mike was special. I just can't express how much I love him. It's impossible to even come close. To even think I'll never see him again breaks my heart. The pain is unlike anything I've ever felt before."
September 2, 1995
"Anytime I think of Mike I just feel like I can't go on without him. Like I don't even want to go on without him. I miss him so incredibly much. Every second I wonder what he's doing. I wonder if he's thinking about me, missing me. I just want to be with him, be close to him. Be wrapped in his arms forever. I want to wake up every morning in his arms, right beside him. I want to hear him breathing in my ear. Why does it have to be this way? Why do 2 people who belong together have to be seperated? And why does it have to hurt so badly? I feel so lonely, like half of me is missing. It is missing. Mike's not here."
September 27, 1995
"I'm pretty depressed tonight. I miss Mike so much. I love writing his name. Mike, Mike, Mike...Mike and Jennifer Roe. Doesn't that look absolutely beautiful?!!"
(Cracks me up...oh to be 15 again!!)
February 2, 1996
"It's been a long time since I've talked to Mike or anything. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I miss him so much, it's amazing. I don't doubt at all that Mike was/is my first love. I know in my heart that no matter how hard I try not to, I will always love him. I don't love him for the way he made me feel and because he was my first kiss or anything. I will always love him as the Mike I knew, the Mike I got to personally and deeply know. The one who opened his heart to me and let it all pour out. The one I became best friends with in the wee hours of the morning. The one I got to know like no one else, the Mike I discovered when no one else was around."
Jenni's version...Part I.
This is a story 16 years in the making. There's so much I don't even know where to start! Mike and I want to write a book someday because it's a pretty amazing story. But for those of you who don't know the whole story I'll try and sum it up in less than a book.
It all started my freshman year of high school, I was 14. There was this boy in my math class that I could not keep my eyes off. His name was Mike Roe. But I was 14 and a freshman, he was 16 and a junior. He was new to our school and I didn't know a lot about him, except that he was "the bad boy" who transferred from a public school. And by Christian school standards that was a huge deal! He was the captain of the football team and the first time I laid eyes on him I fell in love. I played volleyball and our practice times always corresponded with each other. So I would see him in math class, but the highlights of my day were getting to see him after school and after practice, I LOVED seeing him in his football uniform. The football team would always finish a little bit before the volleyball team and the guys would hang around and watch us girls finish up our practice. I was always aware of where he was and liked to think he noticed me, but really knew he didn't have the slightest idea I as alive. I was a lowly freshman and he was a big bad football star! Sometimes he would flirt with me, but he flirted with a lot of girls. Sometimes in math class I would look up and he would be watching me, my heart would pitter patter and I would get really shy and look away. I don't think we said one word to each other from the end of the football/volleyball season until the end of the school year.
When we got our yearbooks at the end of the year I worked for days to get the courage to ask him to sign my yearbook. I was soooo nervous! It's silly now, to look back and remember the 15 year old emotions I had! But I finally asked him and to my great surprise he signed it! I still have it, it was the best yearbook signing I ever received! He even wrote a whole page, all over his football page of course. At the bottom he wrote down his phone number, I couldn't believe it! I had never called a boy before, never had a boyfriend that lasted more than a week and a hand holding. For some strange reason I decided to call him, which was WAY out of character for this goody goody girl. It was a couple of days after school was out and I remember locking myself in my sister's room because she was the only one who had a phone other than our main family phone. I was terrified! Would he even know who I was? What if he just laughed at me for calling him?! But I did it! With hands shaking and voice trembling I dialed the number and he answered! I don't remember a lot of the conversation, but I do remember how happy and excited I was. He wanted to see me! What?! Then my hopes were dashed when my mother immediately told me that would NEVER happen. I don't remember all of the details but he and I came up with a plan together for me to take a "walk" one day and he met me at the park. It was great. I was such a giddy school girl! We flirted and talked and I knew I wanted to see more of this boy. So we ended up with a plan for me to sneak out of my house at night after my parents went to bed and he would come pick me up. So I did it. Again, this was VERY out of character for me! I had never done anything like this and knew if my parents caught me I would be dead. But I took the chance anyway...
We spent an amazing summer together. I snuck out almost every night, keeping it a secret from all my friends but one. Mike would always come pick me up and we would go back to his house and watch t.v. or movies and just hang out together. Growing up in a christian family, a church and a christian school, I was determined to keep my virginity. I knew that he wasn't a virgin and everyone at school had told me what a "player" this guy was, that he would take advantage of me, etc. But he never did. I remember being a little surprised even that he never once asked me to sleep with him or pressured me or made me feel uncomfortable in any way. Our first kiss was July 4th, which just happened to be my very first kiss ever. I remember being so nervous and purposefully not telling him it was my first kiss until after it happened! Even then I was embarrassed and relieved when he thought that was really cool that he was my first kiss. And what an amazing first kiss it was! There were many times throughout the years that I would remember my first kiss fondly, especially when other girls told me how awful and awkward their first kisses were. I would always brag about how great mine was and was so proud of myself! It's so silly what is so important to you when you're a teen! Like I said, it was an amazing summer. I fell head over heels in love with this boy named Mike Roe. I fell fast and I fell so hard I think I can still hear the thump. And he said he loved me too, I just couldn't believe it! We made plans to spend the rest of our lives together, just like every high school couple does. I loved him so much and so fast. I had never been around someone that I could completely be myself with, no matter how goofy I was. We talked a lot, we laughed A LOT, we just loved each other. That's all there was to it, we loved each other. Deeply and passionately. I had never been happier, had never felt so completed and so understood. Had never felt so loved. He quickly became my whole world.
One night (or early morning I should say) I snuck back through my backyard to go back in the back door, same one I had snuck out of just 5 hours before and had left unlocked. To my horror it was locked! Apparently my dad had gotten up during the night to let the dogs out and locked it behind him. Of course I didn't have a key and there were no open windows on the bottom floor...no way for me to get back inside. So I went into the camping trailer parked in our backyard, crawled up on the bed and went to sleep! I woke up early and went inside, explaining to my parents that I must have been sleep walking because I woke up in the trailer! And they believed it!! What?! Whew, that was so close! I continued sneaking out and seeing this boy I had fallen so madly in love with.
A few weeks later Mike parked a few streets down from my house to drop me off, just like we always did. I would walk back home, sneak in the back door, back into my bed and pretend like nothing happened. But this particular night we parked in our usual spot and were mortified to see a cop car in the driveway, with my mom, dad and aunt visiting from Phoenix all standing in my driveway. I was terrified! So what did we do? He quickly drove away and I walked back home, walked up the driveway and once again pretended to be sleepwalking. And to my shock my parents believed it! The cop drove away and we all went to bed. Now you know that cop was thinking, "Oh my word, these parents actually believe this girl was sleepwalking! Now I've seen it all." I'm sure my aunt also knew I was full of it but probably wanted to stay out of it and not burst my parents bubble!
Then my world came crashing down when my parents learned I had been sneaking out all summer to see this boy they had forbid me to see. I don't remember how they found out, I think it was my older sister. Regardless, I was in soooooooo much trouble. I thought they were going to kill me and kill him. Good thing was they didn't really know who he was and thank God they didn't know where he lived! I remember they tried SO hard to get me to admit that we had sex together. They wanted me to admit it so badly so they could charge him with statutory rape. Even though he was only 17. I know they would have locked him up if they could have! It's only been the last 6 months or so that they finally believe me that we didn't sleep together. The next few months following them finding out were brutal. Up until this past year it was a period of my life that my parents and I still didn't bring up because it always ended up in fights about the events following their finding out. It was awful. I was grounded and cut off from all of my friends, especially the one that knew about Mike and I. I was allowed to go to school and volleyball and that was it. At home I locked myself in my room. It was awful. Of course contact with Mike was immediately cut off, except the 3 or 4 times I managed to sneak a quick phone call to him. I was absolutely devastated. School started shortly after and word got around school that I had snuck out all summer with Mike Roe. Most of the guys thought it was awesome, most of the girls were mortified with me. See I wasn't just a 15 year old high schooler, I was a 15 year old virgin at a Christian school who always did everything right. I never broke a rule, never did anything remotely bad or immoral. I certainly wasn't the kind of girl that would sneak out to see a 17 year old bad boy all summer!
It all started my freshman year of high school, I was 14. There was this boy in my math class that I could not keep my eyes off. His name was Mike Roe. But I was 14 and a freshman, he was 16 and a junior. He was new to our school and I didn't know a lot about him, except that he was "the bad boy" who transferred from a public school. And by Christian school standards that was a huge deal! He was the captain of the football team and the first time I laid eyes on him I fell in love. I played volleyball and our practice times always corresponded with each other. So I would see him in math class, but the highlights of my day were getting to see him after school and after practice, I LOVED seeing him in his football uniform. The football team would always finish a little bit before the volleyball team and the guys would hang around and watch us girls finish up our practice. I was always aware of where he was and liked to think he noticed me, but really knew he didn't have the slightest idea I as alive. I was a lowly freshman and he was a big bad football star! Sometimes he would flirt with me, but he flirted with a lot of girls. Sometimes in math class I would look up and he would be watching me, my heart would pitter patter and I would get really shy and look away. I don't think we said one word to each other from the end of the football/volleyball season until the end of the school year.
When we got our yearbooks at the end of the year I worked for days to get the courage to ask him to sign my yearbook. I was soooo nervous! It's silly now, to look back and remember the 15 year old emotions I had! But I finally asked him and to my great surprise he signed it! I still have it, it was the best yearbook signing I ever received! He even wrote a whole page, all over his football page of course. At the bottom he wrote down his phone number, I couldn't believe it! I had never called a boy before, never had a boyfriend that lasted more than a week and a hand holding. For some strange reason I decided to call him, which was WAY out of character for this goody goody girl. It was a couple of days after school was out and I remember locking myself in my sister's room because she was the only one who had a phone other than our main family phone. I was terrified! Would he even know who I was? What if he just laughed at me for calling him?! But I did it! With hands shaking and voice trembling I dialed the number and he answered! I don't remember a lot of the conversation, but I do remember how happy and excited I was. He wanted to see me! What?! Then my hopes were dashed when my mother immediately told me that would NEVER happen. I don't remember all of the details but he and I came up with a plan together for me to take a "walk" one day and he met me at the park. It was great. I was such a giddy school girl! We flirted and talked and I knew I wanted to see more of this boy. So we ended up with a plan for me to sneak out of my house at night after my parents went to bed and he would come pick me up. So I did it. Again, this was VERY out of character for me! I had never done anything like this and knew if my parents caught me I would be dead. But I took the chance anyway...
We spent an amazing summer together. I snuck out almost every night, keeping it a secret from all my friends but one. Mike would always come pick me up and we would go back to his house and watch t.v. or movies and just hang out together. Growing up in a christian family, a church and a christian school, I was determined to keep my virginity. I knew that he wasn't a virgin and everyone at school had told me what a "player" this guy was, that he would take advantage of me, etc. But he never did. I remember being a little surprised even that he never once asked me to sleep with him or pressured me or made me feel uncomfortable in any way. Our first kiss was July 4th, which just happened to be my very first kiss ever. I remember being so nervous and purposefully not telling him it was my first kiss until after it happened! Even then I was embarrassed and relieved when he thought that was really cool that he was my first kiss. And what an amazing first kiss it was! There were many times throughout the years that I would remember my first kiss fondly, especially when other girls told me how awful and awkward their first kisses were. I would always brag about how great mine was and was so proud of myself! It's so silly what is so important to you when you're a teen! Like I said, it was an amazing summer. I fell head over heels in love with this boy named Mike Roe. I fell fast and I fell so hard I think I can still hear the thump. And he said he loved me too, I just couldn't believe it! We made plans to spend the rest of our lives together, just like every high school couple does. I loved him so much and so fast. I had never been around someone that I could completely be myself with, no matter how goofy I was. We talked a lot, we laughed A LOT, we just loved each other. That's all there was to it, we loved each other. Deeply and passionately. I had never been happier, had never felt so completed and so understood. Had never felt so loved. He quickly became my whole world.
One night (or early morning I should say) I snuck back through my backyard to go back in the back door, same one I had snuck out of just 5 hours before and had left unlocked. To my horror it was locked! Apparently my dad had gotten up during the night to let the dogs out and locked it behind him. Of course I didn't have a key and there were no open windows on the bottom floor...no way for me to get back inside. So I went into the camping trailer parked in our backyard, crawled up on the bed and went to sleep! I woke up early and went inside, explaining to my parents that I must have been sleep walking because I woke up in the trailer! And they believed it!! What?! Whew, that was so close! I continued sneaking out and seeing this boy I had fallen so madly in love with.
A few weeks later Mike parked a few streets down from my house to drop me off, just like we always did. I would walk back home, sneak in the back door, back into my bed and pretend like nothing happened. But this particular night we parked in our usual spot and were mortified to see a cop car in the driveway, with my mom, dad and aunt visiting from Phoenix all standing in my driveway. I was terrified! So what did we do? He quickly drove away and I walked back home, walked up the driveway and once again pretended to be sleepwalking. And to my shock my parents believed it! The cop drove away and we all went to bed. Now you know that cop was thinking, "Oh my word, these parents actually believe this girl was sleepwalking! Now I've seen it all." I'm sure my aunt also knew I was full of it but probably wanted to stay out of it and not burst my parents bubble!
Then my world came crashing down when my parents learned I had been sneaking out all summer to see this boy they had forbid me to see. I don't remember how they found out, I think it was my older sister. Regardless, I was in soooooooo much trouble. I thought they were going to kill me and kill him. Good thing was they didn't really know who he was and thank God they didn't know where he lived! I remember they tried SO hard to get me to admit that we had sex together. They wanted me to admit it so badly so they could charge him with statutory rape. Even though he was only 17. I know they would have locked him up if they could have! It's only been the last 6 months or so that they finally believe me that we didn't sleep together. The next few months following them finding out were brutal. Up until this past year it was a period of my life that my parents and I still didn't bring up because it always ended up in fights about the events following their finding out. It was awful. I was grounded and cut off from all of my friends, especially the one that knew about Mike and I. I was allowed to go to school and volleyball and that was it. At home I locked myself in my room. It was awful. Of course contact with Mike was immediately cut off, except the 3 or 4 times I managed to sneak a quick phone call to him. I was absolutely devastated. School started shortly after and word got around school that I had snuck out all summer with Mike Roe. Most of the guys thought it was awesome, most of the girls were mortified with me. See I wasn't just a 15 year old high schooler, I was a 15 year old virgin at a Christian school who always did everything right. I never broke a rule, never did anything remotely bad or immoral. I certainly wasn't the kind of girl that would sneak out to see a 17 year old bad boy all summer!
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